Family - Dysfunction Part 5 of 28

Family dysfunction is a serious problem that can negatively effect 


the basic needs, peace of mind, stress levels, sanity, health and well being 


 of the family members.


Conflicts, turmoil, rivalries, misbehavior, neglect, and/or abuse


 tend to be endless... and for some it has become their new normal



Family dysfunction can be any condition that interferes 


with healthy family functioning.

Although most regard family as their most gratifying aspect of life,


many regard it as their most perplexing and tormenting.


A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, 


bad behavior (faulty disciplinary methods), unaddressed family issues,


manipulation, neglect (ignoring the needs and feelings of members), 


physical, sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse takes place regularly 


and influences others to adjust to... and/or go along with such reckless, 


irresponsible actions. 


For some, dysfunctional families have become 


the breeding place for abuse and neglect. 


Dysfunctional and abusive homes make heavy, gloomy, 


and oppressive the atmosphere of their own homes. 


In dysfunctional homes there is little or no relational connection,


a lack of communication, little or no quality time together, 


no respect for one another, no boundaries, 


there are emotional and physical scars, a lack of nurturing, 


and little to no encouragement. 


Most families have periods of time where healthy functioning is 


challenged by stressful circumstances (death in the family, a parent's 


serious illness, etc.). Healthy families tend to return to normal functioning 


after the crisis is over. Conversely, in dysfunctional families...


problems tend to be unleashed and ever present.


Dysfunctional families, left to themselves, can produce 


dysfunctional children.


Dysfunction can and will eventually have an adverse effect 


on our beliefs, personal values, nervous system,


relationships, habits, and adult life, to name a few


These adverse effects can extend into our society... 


causing our society to become, harmfully, contaminated.


WHAT GOES WRONG IN DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES?

It is possible, the more acquainted one becomes with a person, 


the more one knows about his or her shortcomings and, 


hence, the easier it is to dislike that person.

For some, it often takes knowing someone well, which implies time spent, 

before they become scornful. Could this be human nature?

There are people whose desire and aim is to scheme, take, wreak havoc, 


cause pain, excommunicate family members, and outright destroy relationships. 


In this instance, they are my family members 


and/or their small circle of friends.


The family's rejection of Jesus is echoed in John 7:5, where we read 


that Jesus' brothers did not believe in Him. 



 At first they may have taken to Him, and embraced Him as the Messiah, 


and expected He would set up a temporal Kingdom; in which 


they might hope, on account of their relation to Him, according to 


the flesh to enjoy great honors and privileges; but finding that 


Jesus was not inclined to anything of that nature, 


and talked in a quite different way, they grew sick of Him, 


and rejected Him, as the Messiah. 



So, little regard is to be had, or confidence placed, 


in carnal descent from, or alliance to the best of men.



In John 10:20 the suggestion that Jesus is possessed... accompanies 

the accusation that Jesus is "Out of His mind." 

The point is... these people did not know Jesus.


“If the world hates you, know that it has hated Me before it hated you. 


If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; 


but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, 


therefore the world hates you. 


Remember the word that I said to you:


'A servant is not greater than his Master.’ 


If they persecuted Me, 


they will also persecute you.”


In other words, it is very possible to have peace and reconciliation 


between you and God, but be at odds with members of your own family. 


Other versions of the Bible say "A man's enemies will be those 


of his own household."  


Christ makes the astounding statement that family will often 


be a person's worst enemy. 


Sometimes family members are utterly larcenous and manipulative.


They are members who plot, deceive, and create all kinds of dissension


in order to keep the family divided long enough to gain full control 


over everything. The weaker members are intimidated into taking 


their side against the family scapegoat... who can see through their 


smokescreens.



While their behavior is astounding, unethical, and immoral


they have a sense of entitlement about all of their unrighteous acts. 


They are self-justifying and more concerned with the idea of wanting more, 


trying to be associated with those they consider as high status people, 


 and will blatantly exploit and take from family... in an effort to impress and give 


the appearance of being someone who has it all, which is, absolutely, 


not supported by reality. They can be so narcissistic that guilt, family honor, 


sensitivity, etc., are useless against their plans.


And then there are those who seek excessive admiration and attention 


in order to feel that others accept and/or think highly of them. 


Typically, they can be very critical of others... especially if someone 


or something rattles their sense of self worth. 



In other words, some may feel as if they have permission to be irresponsible 


and begin spreading misleading-half-truths, planting and 


fostering rumors, manipulating information, attacking reputations, 


and targeting one's character.

 


If another is gaining any ground in their endeavors... 


there are some who will go over and beyond to bring unnecessary distractions. 


They tend to dream up reasons to make belittling remarks designed to humiliate 


and create stressful battles. Some will drum up unfair criticisms, break another's 


Spirit by suggesting that the person is worthless and they don't matter... 


and don't count, and they will set up obstacles and roadblocks to 


undermine another's efforts in an attempt to keep others from 


attaining their goals. 


Why would one be so terrified that if another wins... 


somehow a win for that person equates to their loss? 


If another is better off... that does not mean the other is off worse.

Among all the qualities which a person develops... 


possibly none is of greater consequence


than one's feelings about whether or not they matter. 


The family is seen as playing a key role, in the process.



The family has a major influence on how a member feels about 


themselves. They are, usually, the strongest and most influential people 


in shaping the member's life. 


Some will either address the members with kindness and respect 


or with disdain and extreme criticism.



Some can intentionally or unintentionally try to cause 


family members to sense that they don't matter. The truth of the matter is... 


Satan is hell-bent on discouraging, dividing, killing, stealing, lying, 


scrutinizing, crucifying, accusing, tearing people down, crushing souls,


he tries to prevent and pervert God's plan, and he does this by planting seeds 


of negativity, inferiority, and misery. 


Self-worth is how we value ourselves. 

It’s not based on what others think of us 

 or the things we have (or haven’t) accomplished.

Self worth comes from within. 

Let us always remember and never forget:

Our worth is not determined by outside forces.

We should never base our worth on another's approval 


or how others may view us.


Who we are is not in the power 


of anyone else to determine.



Let's be clear,
 
our identity is defined by God 

and our personal relationship 


with God.

 
Our value does not decrease based on another's

inability to see our worth.


We are not what our parents called us or did to us. 

We are not what we earn, we are not how people have treated us, 

we ar not what we live in or what we drive, wear, or look like. 

None of these things define us. 

We are children of God.

We are who God says we are and what God is 

grooming, pruning, molding, and making us to be.


Fortunately, knowing who we are and Whose we are... 

can change our circumstances. We can endure even the toughest times.


No one can make us feel inferior without our permission. 

Things can be said to insult us or put us down... some people, 

inadvertently and sometimes intentionally unload their anger and 

self-loathing on others, but we control our response. We can choose

to either accept or decline their abuse.

Even when we cannot change our familial circumstances, 


we do control what we tell ourselves those circumstances mean about us.


I've always believed that we could and would succeed a lot quicker, in life,


when we have a clear purpose and meaning that is useful and honorable... when 


our meaning and purpose are more about offering up what we do... than what we 


accumulate... when we dare to live... when we do what we love and have the God-


given abilities and talents to support it... when we trust and have enough faith in 


God to take that leap of faith... when we fail and make mistakes... 


own the mistakes and failureslearn and grow from them.


When we fall... we pick ourselves up... dust ourselves off... and get back in the 


race... even if it means stumbling forward faster, 


and lastly, we can succeed a lot quicker by helping others to succeed.


In my family, it appears that nobody is happy unless everyone 


stays in their place (remain safely planted in their comfort zone) 


and become a part of their twisted belief system… 


where they redefine what truth is.

Unfortunately, the more some members grow and evolve, 


the more others, who aren’t ready to take risks 


or strike out on their own, will do... 


to back the evolving member into a mental corner... 


just so they might be able to hinder the evolving members' growth. 


Some intentionally stoop to various levels 


of extreme toxicity.. to hinder another.



Some seem to relish in going over and above to 


immobilize the growing members.



When others succeed... it doesn't mean everyone else failed, in any way.

Some family members will do whatever they can to hold members back. 


They can be cunning, crafty, and quite deceitful in their scheming. 


They seem threatened by a family member’s need to evolve.


It is painful when you find those who should want the best for you... 


resenting you instead. 


When the old pattern is interrupted by a change in the familiar functioning, 


and a member begins to think differently, rise above what they were, 


and begin to take the form of who God created them to be...


it seems as if their sense of security feels challenged. 


It’s like a big barrel of crabs… 


whenever one of the crabs attempts to climb out and escape 


the dismal and wretched bucket, the other crabs will grab hold of him 


and pull him back down in a useless "King of the hill" competition.


They get stuck in the competition rut,


which is often one-sided, 


because the abuser is the only one competing! 


All of the struggling crabs could easily escape from the barrel, 


but instead as one ascends closer to the top of the barrel,


nearing their escape...


The entire system will shift in response 


and clamp their claws to one's ankle and drag him back down 


into the barrel.


They don't want to see him succeed.

This crabs in a barrel mentality has created the worst kind of loyalty. 


It is like some honor code that prohibits anyone from changing or growing. 


The mentality is...


“If I can’t get out of this barrel of crabs, 


nobody is getting out.” 


Some will do and have done unfathomable undermining


to control and contain family members 


so they will not have the opportunity to grow into 


who they really are.


When a member begins working with their soul, 

in an attempt to have a closer walk with God, 

growing spiritually, gaining spiritual energy, vitality, 

and clarity about life and our mission... 

they may also notice their own family members 

are their greatest hindrance.

As God has built in a desire for growth, 


so there are others who do their best to hinder our Spiritual growth. 


Satan’s clear purpose is to stop the advance of God’s people. 


He will, intentionally, use any willing fleshly vessel 


to place all kinds of obstacles, 


stumbling blocks, and devilish temptations before us. 



If we are not alert and awake, 


Satan's evil schemes can overshadow our godly desires. 


Transformation of another seems to send some into a tailspin. 


They continuously mock, belittle, 


and discourage the others efforts 


in hopes that they will finally cave 


and rejoin them in their bucket of misery. 


Once the member caves... they immediately accept 


that individual back into the barrel of crabs.


When we try to walk in our calling... we will have "haters".


Their main objective is to get us off course... 


to pull us down and keep us down.


Some people actually suffer from, the unfortunate, 


crabs in a barrel syndrome, and they have it bad.

Sometimes our own family can become our worst enemies


in an effort to derail our efforts and destroy our spirit.

 


Unfortunately, we live in a world where there are those, 


closest to us, who will, purposely lash out 


with all kinds of negative energy.  


In some cases, their intense hatred and rejection


 is much like the behavior patterns of Joseph's older brothers. 


Same song, from thousands of years ago,


... just a different verse. 


In many cases, we find that the close-knit family 


encourages every member to succeed, 


lovingly uplifting each member on toward their destiny. 


Some people come from very helpful families—


ones where the inhabitants form a helpful ladder 


for the members to climb up and out.


In dysfunctional situations...


there will always be those who try to tear us down. 


But regardless of the words or actions of the naysayers on the sidelines... 


we can always choose to take the high road.


At the end of the day...


it is taking the high road that will bring us inner peace, 


even in the midst of the useless turmoil others may try to create.


No matter what obstacles come against us, 


let us keep the Golden Rule of...


"Doing unto others as we would have others do unto us."


This is a command based on words of Jesus


 in the Sermon on the Mount.


Treating others as we would like to be treated... 


works.


Let us press on... and not do evil for evil. 


Let us keep our eyes on the prize...


and always stay true to ourselves and our God.


God, who planned out Joseph's days, thousands of years ago, 


is still the same God Who plans yours and mine... 


even as we speak.